Q: I have friend who is now receiving hospice care. I would like to let them know I am thinking of them, but I am having a hard time finding the right words. Do you have any suggestions? — MS
Answer: People are often unsure of what to say and do when a loved one is receiving hospice care. It is wonderful you are thinking of them and want to show your support but sometimes difficult to know how to express that given the situation. Remembering that a kind word or gesture that comes from the heart is often the best approach.
When talking to, or visiting a friend or family member in hospice it is probably easiest for both of you to let your friend take the lead in the conversation. Try to read their tone and move forward appropriately. For example, don’t tell jokes if the mood is somber or bring them down if they want to keep things light.
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Remember, they are still the same person you have always known. Let them share memories, fears, or not talk about their illness at all. Allow them to be sad or mad. Avoid saying things like “I know how you feel,” or “Maybe you will get better,” or offering advice.
If it seems appropriate, you can try to lift their mood by sharing with them a favorite memory of the two of you or something you always laughed about together. Allowing someone to “just be” as you spend time at their side can be powerfully supportive. The act of sitting quietly and reflectively together can be rewarding for both of you. Keep in mind your friend may be tired and your visit may need to be kept short.
Reminding someone how they have made a difference in your life or of the qualities you have always admired about them at the end of their life can be quite meaningful. If the opportunity to see them in person won’t present itself, you can share your thoughts in writing. A greeting card may be an easy way to express yourself with words, but it can be difficult to find the right card that conveys your feelings in a sensitive way. A “Thinking of You” card or “Just Because” card can be wonderful alternatives to “Get Well” cards, which should be avoided.
If you chose a religious card, be sure the person you are giving it to shares the same beliefs and faith. Often a simple blank card that allows you to create your own message is best.
Here are a few prompts that may help you get started: “Without you I never would have known…”; “You showed me the importance of…”; or “You taught me to appreciate…”. What is especially nice about sharing a written message is that the thoughts and emotion they bring can be relived each time it is read. Notes such as these can also be a comfort to caregivers and family to save after the person has died.
It can feel a little uncomfortable reaching out to engage someone you know is dying, but taking the time to let your friend know their significance to you and the positive impact they’ve had on you and others may be one of the best gifts you can give them.
Q: My teenage grandson spent time with me this summer, and I tried playing some of his video games. Beyond it being fun, are there any benefits to gaming at my age? — OC
Answer: The image that comes to mind when you say, “online gamers” is that of young men, huddled in front of TVs, furiously operating game controllers and excitedly yelling into headsets. While gaming remains very popular with people fitting that description, it is no longer just for younger people.
More and more older adults are turning to video games for competitive entertainment, socialization, and simple fun. In fact, a 2017 study found that 26 percent of video game players are adults over 50 years old. Interestingly, more women in this age group are gaming than men.
Video games have been shown to offer a number of advantages for everyone, but studies show gaming provides some very specific benefits for seniors.
Many people, especially those living in a care facility, may find it difficult to engage in sports and/or other physically competitive activities as they get older. However, aging doesn’t necessarily cause a person to lose their desire to be challenged or diminish their competitive spirit. Gaming provides some seniors an opportunity to engage in meaningful competition that, while not physically strenuous, still gives them a rush similar to what they might experience with vigorous exercise.
Gaming can be a great remedy for boredom and help keep you mentally sharp. It can also be empowering to master something new and see your skills improve.
One of the most substantial benefits for people over 63 years of age who play games regularly — or even just once a week — is an increase in a sense of emotional well-being. The study compared gamers and non-gamers and found gamers were happier, had improved moods, and experienced less depression.
Some games can help with balance, walking, and cognitive focus. Playing video games that require fast decision-making and visual attention can improve physical performance or slow its decline. Cognitive focus was shown to have increased for people between the ages of 60 and 77 who played a complex strategy video game for only two hours a day for just two weeks.
Gaming also helps with social isolation. It gives you a chance to connect with others online without leaving the house. Often gamers play with the same people every week, which sparks friendships. You can also game with your grandson or family members online as a way of staying connected. There is actually a site just for mature gamers, called Old Timer Guild. The motto for their site is, “Laid back, not too serious, no drama … all about fun!” For more information, visit oldtimersguild.com.
All you need to get started is a TV or computer monitor with HDMI ports and a gaming console. The most popular consoles are the Sony PlayStation 5, Xbox Series X, and Nintendo Switch. Setting up the gaming console is fairly easy.
There are many varieties of games to choose from. Tetris and Portal 2 are puzzle games in which a player can move up to new levels. World of Warcraft, NeuroRacer, and WarThunder are popular online, multiplayer games recommended for seniors. There are also free and low-cost games that can be used on a tablet or smart phone by downloading a gaming app.
Games for seniors continue to grow as a major sector in the gaming industry. Although the health and wellness benefits are showing great promise, older gamers say they like gaming for the same reason teens play video games: They simply game to have fun!
AgeWise is a weekly column compiled by staff of Senior Services Inc., a nonprofit organization in Winston-Salem. If you have a question, email agewise@seniorservicesinc.org or mail to Senior Services, 2895 Shorefair Drive, Winston-Salem, NC 27105.
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